A man once shared with me that he would turn to pornography when he felt down and disappointed with himself. But the trigger for his feeling this way was unclear. He could not work out what he was down about or why he was disappointed with himself.
I pressed him for more.
He told me he does struggle with anger. When he gets angry, he begins yelling at others, insulting others, and thinking aggressive thoughts, harming relationships with the people he loves most.
Then he gets down and disappointed with himself!
Aha! The real reason you look at porn is not that you are down, but because you got angry and hurt people in the process, then you get down, and the cycle of porn addiction continues.
The light bulb went off for him. This was it.
So what makes him angry?
He shared that he gets angry when he is uncertain about what God’s will is for his life, or when he does not understand why God is not doing what he is asking Him to do. He feels paralysed by uncertainty. He hates being unsure! He wants to be a man who takes action and does what needs to be done. But if he is unsure, he feels weak.
So he gets angry, and anger makes him feel strong and certain.
For many men, being angry is a system they learn to counter feeling weak or uncertain in order to get stuff done. When we yell, people listen. When we insult others, they back down. I am not endorsing this behaviour—quite the opposite—but the sad reality is that getting angry helps men feel strong and certain in the moment.
The problem is that it hurts people in the process and almost never achieves the best outcome. The aftermath of anger is a pile of rubble and destruction. Broken relationships and wounded hearts. The aftermath of anger is what was making him down and disappointed. Then he would turn to porn to escape the pain of what he had done.
We dug some more. What is the root cause of his anger?
Simply put, that he is not God. He would get frustrated when he realised that only God knows everything and he is not God.
We do not know everything. We need to learn patience, and not “lose” control when we don’t feel in control. The truth is, we are never in control; God is. We must learn to be okay with not being all-knowing. We will not always be certain what God wants us to do next, and we will not always understand why God does or does not do as we wish He would.
A Scripture I have prayed with for years to help me with this same problem is Isaiah 55:8-9: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
This passage is one that I have prayed with time and time again. Whenever I am unsure why God is doing what He is doing— or not doing what I wish He would do—I sit with this Scripture, and it helps me learn how to wait on the Lord.
We must learn to be okay with the fact that we are not God and that we don’t know or understand everything God is doing. Sometimes it is in the patient waiting that God is preparing us for how to act next. As Catholic men, we can’t afford to “lose it” every time we become uncertain. We are called to be a stable rock, an unwavering leader for others, especially in times of uncertainty.
Like St. Peter, we must keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, and trust that even when there is a storm all around us, He—not we—is in control!
***
If you are serious about becoming porn-free, don’t just hope for change — build guardrails.
covenanteyes.com provides filtering and accountability software that helps you bring your struggle into the light. Freedom grows in the light.
For a free trial of covenanteyes.com click the banner below. Use the promo code: FREE for 30 days free
