I meet a lot of faithful, well-meaning couples frustrated by going “too far”. Catholic dating was not meant to be a series of date nights followed by feelings of guilt and a confession the following day! But sadly, this is the common experience for many. They drive home frustrated and disappointed that they fell again, rather than feeling joyful and grateful for the time shared together.
Couples can become so discouraged by this seeming inability to live purity in their relationship that they are tempted to walk away. Thankfully, there is an easier way to deal with this, and often it is not the person you are dating who is the problem! Impure relationships are not an absolute sign you’re with the wrong person; sometimes, the couple is right for each other, they just haven’t learned how to be chaste together yet. Whenever a couple shares their struggle with purity with me, I ask them one question: “What’s the spot?”
As soon as I ask this, they both lower their heads and exhale, and then look at each other painfully. They know exactly what I’m talking about. Every couple knows they have a “spot” where they go too far. Most couples admit they rarely cross their purity boundaries in any other place aside from this one spot.
For some, it is in the car after dropping the other home. For others, it is the park bench. For others, it’s the lounge at his house. It doesn’t matter where the spot is; you both plan your time together around getting there.
Don’t be embarrassed. Every couple I have spoken to about this can relate. You are not a horrible person. You love the person you are dating, and just need some support in loving them better.
What needs to be done?
First, initiate a conversation about the spot. Tell your partner that you have identified that when you go to this spot, you fall into sexual sin like clockwork. Just getting it out in the open will instantly result in improvement because you have shone a light on the problem. Problems fester in the dark; they are much weaker when they are brought into the light.
Secondly, create boundaries around the spot. If you know that every time you go for a late-night walk and sit on the park bench, you fall into sin, then stop walking to the park and sitting on that bench.
This is, of course, negative purity, where you are avoiding the occasion of sin because you are not yet strong enough to be on the bench without sinning. Positive purity would be being able to sit on the park bench without going too far. But I believe negative purity will come before positive purity. Boundaries are often needed to interrupt the pattern of sin temporarily. Once you grow in the discipline of chastity you may no longer require certain boundaries like this.
Lastly, discuss what gestures of affection or physical touch arouse you both and need to be reserved for marriage. This can be a hard, embarrassing conversation, but it needs to be had. I am a big fan of keeping physical affection very simple during a dating relationship. Couples should not be engaging in forms of affection that lead them to sexual arousal. Any form of physical touch – even just holding hands – may lead to a very small physical response in the couple – especially the man – but this is not what I am referring to. There is a big difference between the level of arousal that comes from holding hands and extended hugging and kissing.
This conversation has a few advantages. He/She now knows your triggers, and you know theirs. You create boundaries to guard your purity and theirs. You will be able to see whether he/she respects the boundary, or continues to do it because he/she knows it will tempt you. You also need to assess yourself.
It is the ultimate accountability.
The truth is, deep down, every couple knows the spot, and they know what triggers the other, and if we are honest, we sometimes “hope we will be tempted” in the moment. Have the courage to set aside some time to speak with your partner about the spot, the triggers and new boundaries to keep each other accountable. Do whatever it takes to fight for your purity and the purity of the one you love.
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