Everywhere I travel to speak, I encounter a similar problem. Catholic women who deeply desire marriage are still single. Many of them are either never asked out on dates at all, or they are pursued in a way that lacks intentionality and purity. This pattern seems to occur repeatedly, leaving her frustrated and wondering if she will ever find real love. Why is this happening? One possible answer is pornography.
I have met so many good Catholic men who might have a good prayer life, strive to live virtuously, desire marriage and are even drawn to a particular young woman, but are battling a pornography addiction. They pursue the woman they are attracted to half-heartedly, while she is tearing her hair out, wondering why he won’t just ask her out! Men know intuitively that if they are addicted to pornography, they are not in the right place to ask a woman out.
Men, before you ask a woman on a date, a certain level of freedom from pornography is necessary.
Many young men can make the mistake of pursuing a woman even though they are still addicted to pornography. What often happens is a man who is addicted to porn, falls in love with a woman, and this new love makes him feel so happy, that he loses his regular desire for porn. Because porn is often a coping mechanism for dealing with negative emotions such as boredom, loneliness, anger, stress, sadness or tiredness, the young love has massively reduced these negative emotions, which are his triggers for porn. Because his triggers have been removed – temporarily – the porn problem seems to be gone. So he pursues her, thinking she has cured his problem.
Sadly, as soon as the emotional high wears off, or the couple have a disagreement about something, the old negative emotions resurface which are triggers for porn. Without even realising it, he is right back to where he was before meeting her – back on pornography. This puts incredible strain on the relationship. Whether he opens up about it to her or remains silent, it will harm the relationship either way.
On another note, if one or both persons in the relationship were viewing pornography before they started dating, this would question how pure the foundations of their love were from the beginning anyway. Was he, or were they really drawn to each other in true sacrificial love? Or was it their need to feed their sexual appetite that drove them to seek out a more tangible means of satisfaction?
Men, if you are addicted to pornography, you watch it daily or several times a week, you are not ready to date. It is the loving thing to do to hold off pursuing a relationship until you heal the negative triggers in your life that you currently use porn to escape. We can’t just run away from our negative emotions, or use porn to self-medicate our pain, we need to do that hard work of healing the pain.
There is a big difference between addiction to pornography, and being on the road to real recovery from addiction. The road to recovery is a long and rocky road. There will be slips and falls. There will be cuts and grazes. You will want to give up. But you must persevere. There is no other way.
If a man has walked this path to freedom and has generally conquered his addiction to pornography, this is a different situation. If he is still experiencing random setbacks – fortnightly, monthly, or hopefully longer – I believe that puts him in a possible position to date. I would encourage him to consult a spiritual director and seek the counsel of trusted mentors to help him navigate this decision.
If a certain level of freedom has been achieved, and he is experiencing periods of freedom lasting weeks or months at a time, entering into a relationship will likely help him mature in purity more quickly than on his own. Because there is a woman that he is striving to love well, it can make pornography far less attractive and train him in the demands of real love more perfectly. The woman he is in a relationship with should also understand that the journey of healing is ongoing, and that one setback with pornography should not equal a breakup. We should never define someone by what they do once, but rather by what they have a pattern of doing. There is a big difference between a man who falls into pornography here and there with the gap between each fall getting further apart, and a man who habitually views pornography with no sign of improvement.
A man who enters a relationship should be sure to examine himself and know if he is growing in purity. For example, he is not growing in chastity if his porn use is diminishing but has become impure with his girlfriend. Or, he may find that the impurity of the relationship is making him feel the need to “relieve” himself upon returning home with pornography. If either of these happens, this could be a sign that insufficient healing and redemption of sexual desire has occurred before entering the relationship, and discerning a break-up could be necessary.
Just because a couple struggles to live chastity on their own or when they are together, does not necessarily mean they are not called to marriage. It simply means that they have not yet received adequate purification of their desires. After some time apart to grow, they may find they reunite under different, better circumstances.
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One of my biggest motivators in breaking free from porn was the future family I always hoped I would have. Porn could have killed the possibility of me having the family I have now if I did not break free. I would have never learnt to love a woman right, and a godly woman like Madeleine would have been too wise to marry me. I know too many great men who are rightly holding back from dating because they are still addicted to porn. If you are serious about becoming porn-free, know that it is possible with the right help.
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