Everywhere I travel to speak, I encounter a similar problem. Many beautiful Catholic young ladies who deeply desire marriage are still single. Many of them are either never asked out at all, or they are approached by a man, only to find that he never asks her out on an intentional date. This leaves her frustrated and wondering if she will ever find real love. Why is this happening? Here is one possible answer.
Pornography.
I have met so many great Catholic men who desire marriage and are even drawn to a particular young woman but feel like their pornography addiction disqualifies them from being good enough to ask her out. Truthfully, to a large extent, I agree with them.
Men, before you ask a woman on a date, a certain level of freedom from pornography is necessary.
Many young men – not fully aware of the dangers of pornography or just too eager to enter a relationship – make the mistake of pursuing a woman, even with an addiction to pornography still present. Often, they get excited because their young love seems to bring them a time of freedom from temptation to porn. They celebrate the fact that their newfound love has removed their need for porn. Sadly, once the emotional high of this new love settles, or they have their first disagreement, they are right back to where they were before. This puts incredible strain on the relationship. Whether he opens up about it to her or remains silent, it will harm the relationship either way.
On another note, if one person or both were viewing pornography before they started dating, this would question how pure the foundations of their love was from the beginning anyway. Was he, or were they really drawn to each other in love? Or was it their need to feed their sexual appetite that drove them to seek out a more tangible means of satisfaction?
The advice I would offer young men is this. If you are addicted to pornography, meaning you watch it daily or even several times a week, you are not ready to date. If a man has generally conquered his addiction to pornography but is still experiencing random setbacks – fortnightly, monthly or hopefully longer – I do believe that places him in a possible position to date. I would encourage him to consult a spiritual director and seek the counsel of trusted mentors, family members or friends to help him navigate this decision.
If a certain level of freedom has already been achieved, and he is experiencing periods of freedom lasting weeks or months at a time, entering into a relationship will likely help him mature in purity faster than on his own. Because there is a woman that he is striving to love well, it can make pornography far less attractive and train him in the demands of real love more perfectly.
Of course, he will need to be attentive to the movements of his heart and ensure that 1. Porn use is diminishing, but he has replaced his sexual addiction to being impure with his girlfriend. Or 2. Porn use does not increase after the relationship, because he is struggling to maintain a purity standard with his girlfriend, but then feel the need to “relieve” himself upon returning home. If either of these happen, this could be a sign that insufficient healing and redemption of desire has occurred before entering the relationship, and discerning a break-up could be necessary.
Just because a couple struggles to live chastity on their own or when they are together, does not necessarily mean they are not called to marriage. It simply means that they have not received adequate purification of desire yet. After some time apart to grow, they may find they reunite under different, better circumstances.
When I first met Madeleine, I was still stumbling with pornography here and there. She knew this because she asked me on our first date. This question was hard to answer, but I am also grateful she did. She knew that if I was to love her how she deserved to be loved, I needed to be experiencing a certain level of freedom from porn. She knew a man addicted to porn is incapable of loving her rightly.
I assured her I had a solid strategy for overcoming what remained of the struggle. I was seeing a spiritual director, praying and fasting, devouring books and audios on chastity and purity, had internet accountability and filtering software on all my devices and was seeing a counsellor. She was pleased with this and agreed to court me if I promised to be honest about my ongoing improvements in this area.
This backfired.
I began to confess every setback I had to her, almost immediately after it happened. I wanted to be honest, but I realised it was causing her enormous, unnecessary pain. Although these confessions were irregular, they caused deep division. I would beat myself up, and she would rightly feel cheated on and betrayed.
The advice of a priest helped me see that it would be wiser to have a male accountability partner who checked in on me weekly. Madeleine and I could begin having irregular conversations about how I am doing overall. It was much easier to say to Madeleine, “I had one setback in the last three months” than tell her, “I looked at porn today.”
One of my biggest motivators in breaking free from porn was the family I always hoped I would have in the future. Pornography could have literally killed my future family before they existed if I did not break this addiction. I would have never learnt to love a woman rightly, and a godly woman like Madeleine would have been too wise to marry me . I know too many great men who rightly are holding back from dating because they are still addicted to porn. If you are serious about ripping porn out of your life, reach out for help.
I would love to share all the strategies I used to help me in my journey to freedom.
Sign up for porn coaching with me today!
Lastly, I will never be too good for porn. I am only one weak moment away from going right back to where I used to be. I wake up every day and just ask for the grace to be pure until I go back to bed that night. I still need to be vigilant and on guard in this area. I never get complacent. I must always keep fighting against impurity and growing in love.
Today, I am living a life of sexual freedom I never thought was possible. I will be praying for you, and I know you can experience that too!
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