After a chastity talk I gave to an all-girls high school, one of the senior students shared that her boyfriend told her, “I have sexual urges that need to be satisfied.” He went on to say that since he must have these needs met, he needs her to do sexual stuff with him to release the build-up of sexual tension in his body.
After her new conviction to live chastity, she wanted to know what to say to him now. After all, if he “needs” her to do stuff with him, and she does not want to do “stuff” with him, what will be saying no mean for their relationship?
Firstly, both men and women experience sexual urges. This is not something exclusive to men. However, it is a lie to say that these sexual urges are “needs” that must be met in the same way that we need food, water, shelter and clothing to survive. We would die without these essentials, but we will not die or “explode” if we do not respond to every sexual urge we experience.
When people say they are going to “explode” if they do not respond to every sexual urge, it only reveals that they, like I used to be, are addicted to sexual climax. The pleasure and release of hormones associated with sexual climax has become a coping mechanism, a way to self-medicate or deal with emotional triggers and as a disordered way to meet their need for love.
I am not shaming or mocking this young man for feeling this, as I understand his heart and fear of “exploding” a little too well from my past.
In his book Love and Responsibility, Karol Wojytla (the future Pope John Paul II) writes about the purpose and meaning of sexual urge. The sexual urge is not simply a build-up of sexual tension that needs to be released. It is so much more than that. The sexual urge, in fact, points us to our ultimate destiny and is a reminder from God of what we were created for – love and communion.
In his first encyclical, Redemptor Hominis, St John Paul II writes, “Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible to himself; his life is senseless if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own if he does not participate intimately in it.”
JPII hits the nail on the head with this one. This young man does not desire regular sexual climaxes. What he really desires is love and communion. The sexual urge is a reminder that we have been made for love and communion. When we fail to see the connection between the sexual urge and our desire for love and communion, we are left empty and frustrated. When I was in this place, what helped me was learning to live the virtue of chastity. This virtue is greatly misunderstood and is often seen as the same thing as abstinence or even virginity. However, this is a shallow view of this liberating and beautiful virtue.
The virtue of chastity makes us free. It sets us free to love and be loved, and it also sets us free from the addictive nature of lust. Chastity frees us from seeing a person merely as an object of use. It frees us from seeing the sexual urge as merely a reminder that we need immediate gratification. Only the chaste person can see another as a gift and love them by a proper ordering of the sexual urge to love and communion.
Paragraph 2339 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church says that “Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery, which is a training in human freedom.” Without mastery over one’s sexual urges, we become slaves to our passions, following them wherever they lead and whenever they call. The purpose of the sexual urge gets flipped on its head. Rather than being a reminder we were made for love and communion, we become enslaved to its lust, which makes us empty and lonely.
Although chastity is demanding, this apprenticeship in self-mastery is truly the path to freedom and human happiness. Only when this young man embraces the call to chastity will he be free from using his girlfriend to satisfy his sexual urge. If he really loved her, he would put his desires at the service of his girlfriend and do what is best for her, which is to safeguard her sexuality and preserve her purity. Will this be difficult? Absolutely. But real love is worth the wait and the sacrifice. She is worth the wait and the sacrifice.
So what should this young woman tell her boyfriend? That it is time to undertake a serious, lifelong apprenticeship in the virtue of chastity. It is, as the Catechism says, “a long and exacting work,” but it is the only answer to the sexual freedom and real love they both desire. It is this sexual freedom that will open the way for them to experience the love and communion they are so desperately seeking in their relationship. This is something they must pursue wholeheartedly and together.
If he refuses to practice this virtue, she would be better off without him. Why? Because if a relationship is not chaste, it will never be real love. She will never know she is loved, and he will never learn to love her. The result will be emptiness, loneliness and a relationship of mutual use. No thanks!
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