After speaking at a youth conference some time ago, a young man asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I explained that when I got married, I did not “lose my virginity” like one loses their keys, but rather, gave my virginity as a gift to my wife.
On the flight back home, I was pondering the concept of virginity. I remembered the time I went to a Theology of the Body course taught by Katrina Zeno and how she unpacked the meaning of virginity in a way that was challenging, yet fresh and new to me.
In our culture, we have a very basic meaning of virginity: one who has not had sex. However, virginity, as Katrina explained, refers to one’s capacity for bodily and spiritual union, how able one is to give and receive the gift of love to and from another.
Sadly, many young Catholics I meet today are not saving sex for marriage. They either do not value saving sex for marriage or are unable to safeguard their purity by implementing effective purity boundaries and give away more of themselves than they intended.
Rather than saying they are “losing their virginity”, it is more accurate to say they have weakened, wounded, and damaged their virginity: their capacity for union. Sexual union speaks the language of free, total, faithful and fruitful love. It speaks the language of permanence and exclusivity. We were never meant to engage in the sexual act with a person unless we had vowed to love them until death. This is why when someone breaks up with a person they have slept with, they will recognise that that person is walking away with something that never belonged to them. They feel robbed, as if something valuable has been taken from them. We know this instinctively.
But it is not only sex outside of marriage that wounds our virginity. All forms of sexual activity, be it alone or with another, wound our virginity. Actions like masturbation, pornography, intimate touching and passionate kissing all wound our capacity for free, total, faithful and fruitful union.
When I married Madeleine at twenty-five years of age, although I was a virgin, in the strict sense of the term, lustful looks, impure thoughts and an addiction to masturbation and pornography had damaged my virginity-capacity for union. If a person brings habits of masturbation or pornography into their marriage, every time they come together in a sexual embrace, their capacity to form a loving and pure union with their spouse is weakened, even if they married as a virgin. This is a new way of looking at the concept of virginity. If it is challenging for you, know that it was challenging for me too!
After Madeleine and I exchanged vows at the altar, we consummated our marriage We spoke the same truth on the marriage bed that we did just hours before on the altar. It is this very moment that we would normally say, “I lost my virginity.” However, if we understand virginity as one’s capacity for union, I did not “lose” my virginity; I fulfilled it! I gave myself and my fullest capacity for union as a gift to my bride, and she fulfilled her virginity by giving herself to me. In and through the sexual embrace, we gave ourselves to one another in the fullest sense.
You see, virginity, our capacity for union, is not something that disappears after our first sexual encounter. It is a gift that will either weaken with lust or expand with love over time. With frequent reception of God’s mercy through the Sacrament of Confession and the grace of healing and redemption, we can all continue to grow in how we live out the virtue of chastity, thus expanding the gift of our virginity: capacity for union.
On the opposite side of the discussion, if a person is not a virgin – in the strict sense of the term – on their wedding day, it does not mean that they have no gift at all to give. They still have the gift of themselves and a “capacity for union”, wounded though it may be, to give to their spouse. I am a big believer in people renewing their commitment to chastity after giving their virginity to someone other than their spouse. It is a beautiful thing when a person recognises their need to repent and preserve the gift of their body and sexuality from now until they get married.
This is not to say that a person who is not a virgin can have their “virginity” restored completely through confession or simply by growing in the virtue of chastity. No. This would devalue the sacredness of authentic virginity! St Paul says in 1 Cor 6:16, “Do you not know that he who lies with a prostitute becomes one flesh with her?” There is something very sacred about the first time we give the gift of ourselves in the sexual act to someone. In God’s design, the person we give ourselves to in the sexual embrace is the person we become one flesh with. This is profound language. There is a union that takes place that was meant to remain forever, because the sexual act speaks a language of permanence and exclusivity. This is why it is so hard for people to break up and move on from a relationship with someone if they have been having sex. Because in God’s original design, we were never meant to break up with someone we had given ourselves to completely in this way.
It is so important that we realise how sacred the gift of virginity truly is. How precious the sexual embrace is. It is something that we must have the highest value for and preserve to the death. Sex has a sacred and powerful meaning inside the marriage covenant. It is harmful outside of it. St Dominic Savio, a fourteen-year-old boy, once said, “Death before sin.” If only we could preserve our purity against the sins of the flesh with the same attitude.
If you are a virgin and are preserving and expanding your capacity for union for your future spouse, that is a beautiful thing and I urge you to commit to remaining a virgin until you marry. I would, however, encourage you to look at any other sins against chastity that may be harming your virginity, capacity for union.
If you are not a virgin and have given the gift of your virginity to someone who is not your spouse (even if you plan on marrying that person), I would encourage you to repent of this sin against chastity and take seriously the need to preserve the gift of your sexuality and your body until your wedding night from here on. Do not despair. Just because you are not a virgin doesn’t mean that you still don’t have a beautiful gift of yourself to give. You are of infinite value and worth!
Let us close by turning to the Blessed Virgin Mary. Her Virginity meant that she was available for perfect union with God, without any impediments caused by sin. May we preserve the gift of our sexuality in a way that reminds us that, ultimately, our virginity, capacity for union, is meant to be fulfilled by becoming one flesh with Jesus Christ when we unite with Him in a loving embrace forever in heaven.
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