It was 6th August 2014. I was sitting in Sr Moira De Bono’s Marriage and Sexuality class at Notre Dame University. My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was a random number, so I hit the silence button and put the phone back in my pocket.
At the next break, I sent a text saying, “Sorry, I don’t have this number saved, who’s this?” What a horrible first text to send to my future wife. It was Madeleine Vella calling, the soon-to-be Mrs Carrington.
Madeleine had just returned to Australia after a year in America as a chastity missionary. Within a few weeks of getting home, three separate friends expressed their shock at discovering that she did not know Simon Carrington, and that she needed to contact me to support her in her missionary endeavors.
After receiving this encouragement to reach out, she did. She shared the work she was doing and the work she wanted to continue doing in this country. She was the most passionate, zealous and enthusiastic woman I have ever met. She was on fire for Jesus, His church and the virtue of chastity. After just 45 minutes of speaking with her, I had a gut feeling I was speaking with my future wife.
I am often asked how I knew it was her so soon. I think there are many things I could say, but I will just share a few thoughts.
As a single man, I spent many hours in prayer, identifying the kind of marriage I hoped to have, the kind of woman I would need to marry in order to pursue this kind of marriage and the kind of man I would need to be in order to be worthy of this woman.
I knew what I was looking for. I had written a list of qualities that I believed were important to have in a future spouse – that is, of course, if I desired a truly Christ-centred marriage. Because I knew in my bones the kind of woman I thought the Lord wanted for me, I was not distracted by women that were not what I wanted, which allowed me to recognize what I did want when I saw it. Madeleine possessed the qualities and values I deeply desired in a spouse.
In saying this, it would have been foolish of me to take a “feeling” that “she was the one” after the first time we spoke properly, and make the decision that she was “the one” and forfeit the necessary discernment of marriage. Although I had a feeling she was “the one” we still fostered a friendship and discerned one another prayerfully through a season of dating and courtship.
This time was beautiful, but it was mingled with suffering and challenges too. Please don’t think we knew we were right for one another because it was so easy. Far from it. We faced many challenges and endured heavy crosses that no one will ever know about, but these only served to help us in our discernment. We knew early on we were both passionate about our faith and had missionary hearts. We knew we could laugh a lot and lose hours together in deep conversation. But we also learned how to suffer together. This was very important in our decision to marry. When things got hard – really hard – we fell to our knees, held hands, and begged God for help. Help always came, and God used challenges to strengthen our love.
So, how will you know when it’s the one?
- Know the kind of marriage you want to have and the kind of spouse you would need to marry in order to pursue that kind of marriage.
- Then, you will be free to recognize “the one” when the Lord brings him or her to you in His time, not ours (Gen 2:22)
- Don’t allow the initial emotions and feelings of being in love to overshadow the need to discern properly. Spend the season of friendship, dating and courtship in active discernment together. Have difficult conversations, challenge one another, disagree, apologize, learn to forgive – this is the best marriage prep!
- Lastly, learn to suffer together. This is perhaps the most necessary step in discernment that is overlooked. Couples often want to see if they have “good banter”. I agree that it is important to get along really well, but if “banter” is your benchmark, your relationship will be over the first sign of difficulty.
Remember that suffering will always come. Suffering is not just for those couples who are not a good fit for one another (this is what I used to think – until I was painfully humbled by God). The test is not whether or not suffering comes, but rather how you respond to it when it does come. This is a powerful indicator of “is this the one”.
