I was seven when I asked my brother Gerard if he would be the best man at my wedding someday. I share this because I can remember desiring marriage with all my heart from my earliest years. At seven years old, I was already sorting out the bridal party! Seeing how Mum and Dad loved and cared for one another made me want the same thing.
However, I wrongly believed I wouldn’t encounter the common struggles couples face because of my enthusiasm for marriage. I was sure that I would never stop pursuing my wife and being creative with ways to make her feel cherished and loved. After all, I had read all the popular chastity and theology of the body books, interviewed married couples for advice, and prayed every day for my future wife since I was twelve years old.
What could possibly go wrong?
Six weeks into marriage, I received what I call “The Marriage Shock.” I came home from work, dumped my bag at the door (which Mum always warned me would annoy my future wife someday), gave Madeleine a quick kiss hello, made myself a coffee, grabbed some biscuits, and parked myself on the recliner lounge with a book. Madeleine looked at me with a shocked look on her face and said, “Well, that didn’t take long!”
She later explained that what “didn’t take long” was me abandoning a daily practice of eagerly encountering her at the end of the workday with a kiss and long embrace. I would ask if she wanted a coffee, sit with her, and talk about the day.
Six weeks into my marriage, I had already started heading toward the slippery slope of marriage destruction called “Complacency.”
Complacency is an attitude of indifference and disinterest. It usually begins with one spouse becoming more relaxed in their effort to love and pursue the other (in this case, it was me), and the hurt this causes may encourage the other to withdraw. It didn’t take me long to realise that all the chastity books, advice from other couples and childhood prayers dont make your relationship bulletproof. They simply make you aware when you’re getting slack! Every person and couple, will suffer the destructive consequences of complacency in marriage unless they intentionally fight against it with passionate determination!
Married women have shared how hurtful it is when their husbands act disinterestedly or indifferent towards them. They are often characterised by phrases such as “I don’t care” or “Whatever you want” to just about anything they are asked. The shrug of the shoulders, the television switching on mid-conversation, or the crushing response of “Good” to the question, “How was your day?” all pave the way for a serious loss of connection and intimacy in a marriage.
These may sound like little things, but they are the signs of major intimacy issues and even divorce years down the road. Over time, if a spouse is treated this way and feels unloved and unseen, a deep rift will form between the couple, and an emotional divorce will occur. The couple goes from lovers to friends and eventually to roommates. Days can go by without an intimate conversation or affectionate touch between them.
Intimacy is the key to a great relationship and one that resists complacency. However, intimacy must not be reduced to physical closeness. It is primarily developed through solid spiritual, emotional, and psychological closeness. Intimacy is not as much about how close two bodies are together as it is about how deeply you know and trust that person.
A meaningful connection is missing if you do not pray daily with your spouse. If you can’t be vulnerable and open up to your spouse for fear of being criticised, walls will go up that protect you from pain and prevent you from intimacy. If you cannot share hopes and dreams, how is your marriage supposed to flourish?
Sadly, many couples ignore the need to bond on these three elements of intimacy but turn to the physical element to make up for what is lacking. A wife who does not feel emotionally, spiritually or psychologically close to her husband will often admit sex is the last thing on her mind! The physical element serves as a way to perfect the intimacy already established in the other aspects, but it is not meant to be a substitute for them.
There are two very simple ways to counter complacency in marriage. In order to thrive, your love needs intentional time and effort. I thought I would get more quality time with my wife after we got married, but I soon realised that I would need to become more intentional about planning time with her. When a couple moves from dating to engaged, engaged to married and married to parents, the availability for quality time begins to shrink. You need to carve it out intentionally! And with that carved-out time, be intentional about how you spend that time.
A simple way to implement intentional time and effort is date night. Date night is a scheduled night once a week, on the same night every week, where you and your spouse set aside two hours for each other. You may have a date night in, or go out to a restaurant or do a fun activity. Don’t just go to a movie and stare at a screen together for two hours! Do something that involves you reconnecting through conversation. Have fun and laugh together. Reminisce your love story. Invest in each other. Begin with questions like, “How are we doing”? “What do I need to ask forgiveness for this week”? “How could I serve you better”? “How are you handling the work and family balance at the moment”? Great conversation starters are questions. The better your questions, the better your conversations!
Try it this week! Go on a date night with your spouse and reconnect.
